Here are some of my favourite quotes from Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone by J.K. Rowling.
Note: They basically all involve Ron. I just think he is hilarious.
1. ‘They stuff people’s heads down the toilet first day at Stonewall,’ he told Harry. ‘Want to come upstairs and practise?’
‘No thanks,’ said Harry. ‘The poor toilet’s never had anything as horrible as your head down it—it might be sick.’ Then he ran, before Dudley could work out what he’d said.
2. Professor Flitwick, the Charms teacher, was a tiny little wizard who had to stand on a pile of books to see over his desk. At the start of their first lesson he took the register, and when he reached Harry’s name he gave an excited squeak and toppled out of sight.
3.‘Well, a second’s there to take over if you die,’ said Ron casually, getting started at last on his cold pie. Catching the look on Harry’s face, he added quickly, ‘but people only die in proper dues, you know, with real wizards. The most you and Malfoy’ll be able to do is send spars at each other. Neither of you knows enough magic to do any real damage. I bet he expected you to refuse, anyway.’
‘And what if I wave my wand and nothing happens?’
'Throw is away and punch him on the nose,’ Ron suggested.
4. There are some things you can’t share without ending up liking each other, and knocking out a twelve-foot mountain troll was one of them
5. ‘You haven’t got a letter on yours,’ George observed. ‘I suppose she thinks you don’t forget your name. But we’re not stupid—we know we’re called Gred and Forge.’
6. Speaking quietly so that no one else would hear them, Harry told the other two about Snape’s sudden, sinister desire to be a Quidditch referee.
‘Don’t play,’ said Hermione at once.
‘Say you’re ill,’ said Ron.
‘Pretend to break your leg,’ Hermione suggested
‘Really break your leg,’ said Ron.
7. ‘So you mean the Stone’s only safe as long as Quirrell stands up to Snape?’ said Hermione in alarm.
‘It’ll be gone by next Tuesday,’ said Ron.
8. Hagrid bit his lip.
‘I—I know I can’t keep him for ever, but I can’t jus’ dump him, I can’t.’
Harry suddenly turned to Ron.
‘Charlie,’ he said.
‘You’re losing it, too,’ said Ron. ‘I’m Ron, remember?’
9. ‘But if we get caught, you too will be expelled too.’
‘Not if I can help it,’ said Hermione grimly. ‘Flitwick told me in secret that I got a hundred and twelve per cent on his exam. They’re not throwing me out after that.’
10. ‘Devil’s Snare, Devil’s Snre...What did Professor Sprout say? It likes the dark and the damp—‘
‘So light a fire!’ Harry choked.
‘Yes—of course—but there’s no wood!’ Hermione cried, wringing her hands.
‘HAVE YOU GONE MAD?’ Ron bellowed. ‘ARE YOU A WITCH OR NOT?’
‘Oh, right!’ said Hermione...
11. ‘What happened down in the Dungeons between you and Professor Quirrell is a complete secret, so, naturally, the whole school knows. I believe your friends Misters Fred and George Weasley are responsible for trying to send you a lavatory seat. No doubt they thought it would amuse you. Madam Pomfrey, however, felt it might not be very hygienic, and confiscated it.’
12. ‘I always said he was off his rocker,’ said Ron, looking quite impressed at mad his hero was.
13. “There are all kinds of courage,’ said Dumbledore, smiling. ‘It takes a great deal of bravery to stand up to our enemies, but just as much to stand up to our friends. I therefore award ten points to Mr Neville Longbottom.’
14. They had hoped that Goyle, who was stupid as he was mean, might be thrown out, but he passed, too. It was a shame, but as Ron said, you couldn’t have everything in life.